I was on my little sister's myspace page tonight checking up on here like I usually do and I found a new pic. I know my grandma took my brothers and sister home yesterday so I know this photo was taken, well...yesterday. It was very unexpected and even though I was on the phone with my friend Hannah when I came acrossed it, it still didn't stop my stomach from cramping up and feeling like someone just swung a medal bat right into it.
From time to time whenever I was feeling confused or angry or even feeling sorry for myself, I would secretly visit this spot. Even when I go home to Illinois to visit I stop by and just sit and stair. I look at the detail of each word that has been drilled out of this stone and spots of paint that are slowly wearing away. You cant see the back, but it has all of us kids names on it, which I have to admit is a bit creepy to see your name on a tombstone!
Ive seen the real thing, but this picture hurts me inside. My moms death anniversary is tomorrow and of course Ive been pretending and acting like its just another day and pretending thanksgiving is just another holiday, but this damn picture just sucked me straight into reality.
Its their faces. My sisters eyes and my brothers blank stair. The littlest one is a little too much like myself where we pretend nothing hurts, but ive seen him crumble when he knows no one is around and he is safe with me. safe to cry. safe to ask questions of why. safe to be a child hurting and not understanding how his mother was taken from him so young, while the rest of us kids got a chance to really be around her and know her.
I feel intense guilt when I look at this picture. And I know.....I know......Its not my fault, Blah, Blah, Blah, .....You couldnt have saved her....Blah, Blah, Blah.....Even if you did she could have died at another point in time...Blah, Blah, Blah, But you dont know what its like to feel how I do. You dont know what its like to be helping raise three children with your parent feeling like they ARE your children. Doing everything a parent would do or feel. You dont want your child to hurt. You want to keep them from the bad and unfairness in this world. You want to protect them, even giving your own life if it could save theirs. Well.....thats how I feel.
I moved out on my brothers birthday, October 12, 2000. I was done with the abuse and since my mother only did these things to me I felt reassured the kids would be in no harm with her. My mother was furious that I moved out and wouldnt talk to me. I was invited to thanksgiving by my grandma saying that my mom asked me to come. The girlfriend I had at the time reminded me off all the shit my mom put me through and told me not to fall back into that. I didnt go. Our last thanksgiving and I didnt go. I heard through family that my mom was really sad and down about me not being there. I sent her a card when I heard this that basically said that we needed to agree to disagree and that I wasnt going to hold my childhood over her head because I knew she had a bad past and sometimes good people do bad things. I told her I loved her and I just missed my mom. I sent it next day, but never heard anything back. It wasnt until the day before she died that we talked.
I was christmas shopping with my ex, when I just stopped dead in my tracks. She looked at me and was extremely concerned. She said my face had no color and my eyes were glossy. At that moment all I knew and felt inside me was that I NEEDED to see my mom. I NEEDED to. I cant explain it anymore than that. I just felt really scared inside and felt like I had to see her. That night I arrived at her work where she was managing a german restaurant in hopes of opening her own restaurant someday. I walked in and saw her behind the bar. Our eyes met and I held back tears. She ran over and hugged me and introduced me to every employee with the biggest smile Ive seen on her in a long time.
We had small talk and she made me eat. Then after a while I decided I should quit while I was a head and decided to leave. She walked me out and we stood on the sidewalk shivering from the cold. I walked up to her and put my arms around her like a bear, which was easy since she was about three inches smaller than me. I just held her.....no words.....I just held my mother as you would a child and after everything I had been through with her, I just couldnt help loving her so unconditionally. She was my mom.
The next day she called me and asked if I would go to this christmas party her boss was having early. This was a day I promised my ex we would spend quality time together since I had been working 6 days a week, 12 hour swing shift days. I knew If I cancelled to go with my mom she would have never let me live it down. So I lied to my mom and said I had to work. It didnt matter though because the whole day was ruined because I was so tense and stressed and felt irritated for no reason. I couldnt sit, I couldnt pay attention to a movie, and when it came to that time I couldnt sleep. I called my mom at 10:30 pm, but there was no answer. I kept pacing, which annoyed my ex. When it became late and she wanted to sleep, I turned out the lights and lite a candle on my dresser.
130am rolled around and while I was starring at the candle its wick popped. It literally made a pop noise and the wick landed on my desk on some papers which started on fire. I jumped up and patted it out. As soon as the fire was out there was a knock at my door. I looked around the corner to see the red and blue lights flashing out side. There was then another knock. I didnt move.....I just knew.
My mom left the party and driving drunk down a country road passed out only going 12 miles an hour and hit an embankment. She broke her neck on the windshield. The only reason the police found me was because they found my card in her purse with my new address on it. Guilt.
I should have gone to that party. I should have drove home. I should have fixed the seat belt like she asked weeks before I moved out. She ALWAYS wore her seat belt.
The hardest thing was to take those kids and tell them mom wasnt coming home tonight. That mom got into a car accident and she died. To see these innocent eyes swell up with tears and not be able to do anything except hold them until their exhaustion made them pass out on top of my while we laid in my mothers bed. Jimmy, only three asking me over and over where mommy is, but not understanding. I felt like even though she let us all down....I let them down. My actions as small as they could have been could have changed there lives. Now I look into their eyes in this picture and all I can think to whisper out loud in my room alone is..........Im sorry. Im just sorry.
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