One foot forward...Two steps back

Ive been a bit hesitant the last couple of days, because it finally sunk in that my thoughts were actually being read. My thoughts that I keep so private and close to me because of some fear that people might actual see that I feel. That maybe I do have a soul after all and this hard-ass exterior that I have created for myself to feel safe, will be blown open and people will see me for me. To be writing my thoughts and letting people in is one of the BIGGEST steps forward for me. Ive been trying so hard to put myself in uncomfortable situations. To be completely vulnerable and to face my fears head on, so when I finally accomplish them I will be able to breathe again. Writing these blogs I hope to change certain things about me I don’t like. Writing my thoughts feels like Im emptying the trash. Its full and if I add one more thing the trash will fall over and I will have a huge mess to clean. Writing my thoughts helps me put things into a better perspective. Im not sure what I would do if I didn’t have this outlet. Letting all of you see is just a step to opening myself up for once.

Im going to list my fears, and let me just say the only way I can sort of make you feel what Im feeling right now is to give you some sort of scenario. Writing my fears for all to see is like being in the middle of the ocean at night. Im swimming around in the water trying not to drown. My legs are cramping up and no one even knows Im out here. I know things are swimming around underneath me, but I don’t know what they are. All I can feel is intense fear that I will be some sharks dinner and his cold sharp teeth will be the worst physical pain Ive ever encountered and my death will be a slow one. That probably makes no sense what so ever, but to me it does. I couldn’t think of any other situation where I would be more scared.

MY FEARS:
Im scared to fail
Im scared I will never amount to anything
Im scared I will let my siblings down or disappoint them
Im scared I will fall back into drugs and this time not be able to get out
Im scared I will completely fuck up my children if I have them
Im scared to let people in
Im scared Ill never let them in
Im scared Ill be alone
Im scared Ill end up like my mom
Im scared to really trust someone
Im scared to give my heart to someone
Im scared Im going to lose someone I care for
Im scared something bad will happen to my siblings
Im scared people will look at me differently
Im scared ill never be truly be happy
Im scared my constant thinking and over analyzing will make me insane
Im scared Ill always be in a dead end job
Im scared Ill end up in jail
Im scared Ill never be loved
Im scared Ill never let go of negative things people have done to me
Im scared Ill always run away from my problems
Im scared Ill always think everyone is a liar
Im scared Ill always give up when things get hard
Im scared to let my guard down
Im scared Ill hurt someone I care about
Im scared my birthday, valentines day, thanksgiving, and Christmas will always be ruined for me
Im scared people wont take me seriously
Im scared my family will never truly accept me
Im scared I will miss out on so many good things about life
Im scared one more death of someone I love will forever break me
Im scared Ill always feel like I have a broken soul
Im scared Ill never fill this void that’s deep inside me
Im scared Ill continue to push people away
Im scared Ill never feel the emotion to be excited about something again
Im scared to lose anymore memories of my parents
Im scared Ill never really deal with their death
Im scared of growing old
Im scared to die
Im scared Ill always be disappointed in myself
Im scared to get close to people
Im scared Ill always make the wrong decisions
Im scared Ill always have an issue with being gay
Im scared to let people know Im scared of many things
Im scared Ill always be scared

I know probably all of these seem minor, but everyone feels things differently. I used to be fearless of pretty much everything. Now Im scared of everything. My own head drives me crazy. These things constantly float around in my brain and I know Im not living up to my potential because of them. Why is that? You would thing I would want to face these things so I can move on from them, but why do I purposely not put myself in certain situations so I don’t feel scared.

Is this once again childhood crap surfacing? Or am I doing this entirely to myself? My life has consisted of feeling disappointment, sadness, pain, suffering, always feeling guilty, never feeling good enough, shame, and emptiness. I can only remember four happy childhood memories and three of them involves my dad. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Why does this effect me so much when there are people out there who have had things worse than I could ever dream up in my own head? Children who have been abused worse than I ever have. Children seeing their parents slaughtered in front of them. Girls being rapped over and over and over again. People who have incurable diseases. All the poverty in this world and tribes that have genitalia mutilation, people losing everything the own…..

What the hell give me the right to be scared of the littlest things? What the fuck gives me the right to feel like ive been cheated some how in my life? What gives me the right to feel like its not fair and then complain about it?
I have no right. None what so ever. And when I feel any of that I immediately remind myself that others have had it worse. It doesn’t make what im feeling go away though. I still feel the pain with such intensity, I still secretly suffer inside, and I still feel all the fears I try to hide from. Once again…. I feel disappointed in myself.